Tuesday, April 22, 2008

his own world

Early this morning The Bubs and I had to drive to Malibu to handle some unpleasant business. Afterward, he asked if I'd like to spend a little time at El Matador, a beautiful Malibu beach that means a lot to us. It's where he proposed to me. It's where I said Yes.

This week I am moving out of our apartment and into a friend's place. This friend will be working in New York until August, and generously asked me to housesit while she's gone (generously because it's more for my sake than hers). To speak plainly, The Bubs and I are separating, so it's not an easy time for me (for us). This July = 5 years of marriage, and 7 years together, and I'm trying to figure out what to make of it all, or if anything needs to be made. Maybe it just is what it is.

I get crazy and want to erase it all, forgive it all, kill to bring it all back together, kill to tear it apart, and this is in the course of, say, any given hour. But we have agreed to do things gently, and I am for that, and I live it as strongly and as often as I can.

I know I've said it, and our dear Oprah says it often enough, but A New Earth is a balm in a trying time like this. There is nothing you can ever need that the present moment cannot give you.

And so more and more I let it carry me.

Today, this is where I ended up:

With The Bubs, who likes himself an ascot when the occasion arises.

I was dressed for staying in the car and coming back home for a nap, but wearing my new hat, made especially for me by the woolanthropist, which gave me an element of cool right up there with The Bubs. I tried it on him for a minute, then took it back because it looked too good.

The Bubs is a tongue slipper.

Sometimes I forget that Bubs is his own world. Even now, I think of him as mine, mine, mine. He's his, most of all. I want the secret to how to love without devouring.

Hard to read it here, but someone wrote "GOD WER BLESSED" in the sand. We laughed at the spelling, but we got the message.

On the way out, Bubs picked some wildflowers.

And set them in a vase.


Adrienne said...

I'll stay up and keep you company tonight :-) lol

Meg said...

You really got me teared up with this posting, those pics do not look like a couple separating. There is alot of love between the two of you and a special connection, I could feel the energy from you both. I really hope you can work it out. (No one tell you how hard marriage really is do they? LOL )

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear your news. It must be an incredibly difficult time.

mo said...

i'm holding your hand ... as always.

AllyB said...

Wow, that made me hurt, somewhere way down deep. Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

I never know whether to say sorry in situations like these b/c maybe it will be better than it was when you were together. I am sorry that you will go through pain though. But I admire your courage in taking that step. God knows I've wanted to many, many, many times but don't have the courage to jump. My word verification today is squyibwl. It fits I think.

Jenni said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your separation. I'm not sure blog-stranger's sympathy is what you need right now...but maybe its comforting to know we're out here and have experienced the same. You two look like you have a very strong connection, maybe the best friendship ever will ensue?

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to read that you are seperating. I went though a tough time a few years ago and seperated from my hus but later reconciled. It really hurt than but now I know it was all for the best.
You are incredibly strong and amazing. Keep your head up. I hope this is what is right for you two right now and that time brings (more) peace and understanding of these trials and tribulations.
fellow californian

Anonymous said...

At first I browsed the pictures and thought 'how lovely, you got out of the house!'
Then I read the post and it broke my heart.......you are such a strong woman, I hope if this happens to me I will have your grace and peace to deal with it.
I won't try to understand why such a wonderful love like yours cannot survive the times...the good and the bad.
I hope your move goes well and that you can feel my hugs.

Gwen said...

*hugs* I hope that however things work out, you're happier in the end.

Ellen Bloom said...

Hugs to both of you....but mostly to YOU! OK...from my own experience (not sayin' this is right for you, but has always worked for me)...keep your eyes forward. Keep moving into the future! You can do anything.

Sachi said...

Here's wishing you both sanity at this crazy time.

ellemabelle said...

those flowers remind me of your wedding day!

Five years! Lucky bastards. I am still proud to say I made the cake for hands down the best wedding I have ever been to.

Thanks for letting me be a part of it all. That was some good shit, man

Alem said...

All you need to remember is that I am the Sandpiper. That same bird you saw this day and asked me what kind was he. I am him and he is me.

The Sandpiper

"The roaring alongside he takes for granted,
and that every so often the world is bound to shake.
He runs, he runs to the south, finical, awkward,
in a state of controlled panic, a student of Blake.

The beach hisses like fat. On his left, a sheet
of interrupting water comes and goes
and glazes over his dark and brittle feet.
He runs, he runs straight through it, watching his toes.

- Watching, rather, the spaces of sand between them
where (no detail too small) the Atlantic drains
rapidly backwards and downwards. As he runs,
he stares at the dragging grains.

The world is a mist. And then the world is
minute and vast and clear. The tide
is higher or lower. He couldn't tell you which.
His beak is focussed; he is preoccupied,

looking for something, something, something.
Poor bird, he is obsessed!
The millions of grains are black, white, tan, and gray
mixed with quartz grains, rose and amethyst."

Elizabeth Bishop
I love u and always will
your bubba for life.

woolanthropy said...

Beauty and sadness in sunshine and sand. Here I am sitting across from you, reading your blog, tearing up while the piano man plays Moon River. Marriage is hard. The connection between you two is palpable. And I support you wherever the road leads you.

DarcyArtsy said...

Holding back tears. You are an amazing woman and I truly wish the best for both of you. I am here if you need a shoulder or a laugh. ox

Lil Knitter said...

Wow! Sending you BIG HUGS and wishing you both the best. You've got me all teary eyed and it hurts my heart to know what you're going through. I know you'll get through it...you're a strong, beautiful woman...but that doesn't mean it won't be hard.

orchidophile said...

I discovered your blog a few months back, but I remained a lurker.

Sending you positive vibes.

yaiAnn said...

Awww hun! Yeah, it's a hard time. We are, after all, ourselves before we can be ones with another. Maybe he wasn't really ready for all you had to offer yet. You'll get through it. You are stronger than you think and you're surrounded by so many who love you.

sappmama said...

What can I say but thank you? You guys have made this part of my journey so much lighter.


Frank said...


You deserve to be deliriously happy.