i'm listening

Today I went to the beauty supply for stuff to make my feet look pretty. There's a spa upstairs, and downstairs in the store a new massage therapist was giving free demo massages. I opted for one, and when she got to working out what she had identified as a trouble area for me (my upper back), I got sick as a dog. I mean sick like Should we call the paramedics? sick. For about 20 minutes, I couldn't move, I was sweating profusely, my stomach was churning, my heart was pounding, and I was hot and dizzy. They brought me water, but I couldn't raise my head to drink it. I could barely speak. I heard the therapist say to one of the store clerks that my body was responding to the rush of toxins the massage had released, and that she thought I'd be okay, but to stay on alert in case I had a seizure. I heard that word, seizure, and started rallying the troops. C'mon, guys, I barked, we are NOT having any seizures in here, so buck up! Not a cell in my body seemed to pay me any mind, and I was so scared I was going to have to be carried out of the beauty supply, when all I'd wanted was nice feet. Finally, I felt the misery lift to the point where I could raise up off the chair, speak, and drink water.

I've never heard of anyone dying from having a massage, but the whole thing really, really blew my mind. I feel healthy, if a bit creaky, and I live under the delusion that I take decent care of myself. Obviously, it's time to step it up. I know I need more balance, and in times when I feel I'm transitioning, it's difficult for me to create it (but vital, seeing as I'm in my 42nd year of transitioning). I get that part of balance is catching up with myself, getting still. I don't think it requires so much, but the running, running, running, through constant mind chatter, is a hindrance. I'm a big believer in the mind-body connection, and I know that whatever was built up in my muscles didn't come entirely from the physical.

Anyway, I want to share this because A) It freaked me out, and B) I know I'm not alone in carrying toxins and emotional sludge around in my body. In working to release all that I can, maybe if I share a few things, and solicit helpful feedback from time to time, someone else will benefit too.

And, for the record, the therapist was ultra-professional, on the case, reassuring, calm, and yes I would go back to her. She told me things about the body and the way toxins move through it that were seriously news to me. Sometimes it's possible to immediately see why things happen, and this is a much kinder wake-up call than cancer or heart disease or some grim joker like that.